A mother says goodbye to permanent duty
“To me, it seems like a mother has duties all the time that consist solely of being selfless and helping others to achieve what they want in life. That is the social duty of women from the moment they become mothers.”– Caroline Peters, actress
This quote, which made the rounds in the German media landscape, hit me like a bomb. At first I was really angry, then I thought about it more carefully and asked myself why it made me so furious! Unfortunately, I realized – as you know, where there’s anger, there’s pain – that I felt hurt and that this is exactly what has burdened me the most in my years as a single, independent and always responsible mother of two children plus bonus son:
Always being there for everyone, always supporting the careers of all family members, always coming last – and in the end, I always lacked the strength to do all these important things for myself. This is not breaking news in mother wonderland, I know. However, it is quite interesting that the above quote comes from the mouth of a childless woman and how she perceives and aptly formulates the social expectation of the role of a mother. Obviously also put off by the public understanding and interpretation of their status.
My role as a mother:
“Take the big piece; I’ve washed your sports clothes; I’ll sew this for you quickly; I’ll stay at home, you go ahead; I’ll give the house a quick vacuum before the guests arrive – oh, leave your shoes on, it doesn’t matter; I’ve swept the sidewalk, it bothers the neighbors; I’ve made you some extra sandwiches for the trip, if your friends want one too...”.
That’s what I remember from my parents’ house and from my mother. I have a devoted mom who was at home and looked after me and my two older siblings all day. And – I turned out the same way, even though I didn’t want to and imagined I was completely different.
Until friends started saying more and more often: “You have to think about yourself, now go away and give the children to their grandparents, can’t they drive the bus themselves, isn’t there a team bus at the soccer club, do you really have to make meatballs for the open day at school, can’t the father go to parents’ evening, why are you writing the school essay now,…”.
The huge difference to my mother was that I did it WITHOUT a husband and WITH a job. In other words, I was alone and working.
The result:
My children are grateful to me today and rely on me. My ex-husband takes that for granted – and relies on me. The state doesn’t give me anything extra as a self-employed person – and relies on me. I am the one who has lost the most strength and financial resources. Is that the inevitable consequence of being a mother? Today I say: No.
My balance sheet:
I should have delegated tasks to my children much earlier and accepted 80 percent instead of perfection more often. I should have involved the father in more active parenting and asserted my right to resume my career. I should have taken time out earlier and more consistently to recuperate. The opportunities were there – I didn’t make enough use of them.
Ultimately, this probably means renouncing being canonized as a mother. German comedienne Carolin Kebekus, who recently became a mother for the first time, said in an interview in horror: “Everything you do as a mother is judged (…) I realize more and more what other women have endured without talking about it.”
We should really question this constant external judgment coupled with the questionable selflessness that Peters describes as a social expectation and free ourselves from it. It is a role interpretation inherited from our generation of mothers, which no longer fits because many more women are bringing up and working alone. But also because more and more men are prepared to share the tasks and not leave them to the mother. And because today a family can no longer build a house and live a financially stable life on ONE income, as was the case in the 70s and 80s. Times have changed, even for mothers.
Love is the keyword – all children should get as much of it as possible. Love is free, doesn’t cost any energy and keeps them healthy. Many other things that I took away from my children and divorced husband because I wanted to be a good mother did me more harm than good.
In my next life as a guinea pig, interior designer or CEO with children, I will do things differently. I promise.
